Part II of the ATS Saga: The ATS Made Me Lose My Mind

And I’m better for having lost my mind a little bit. Here’s the summary of Part I: After applying for several jobs via Applicant Tracking Systems, getting leads to real people through networking, not hearing anything from either the ATS or people and then watching the jobs disappear (read filled here), something in my brain snapped. I’ve revamped my original resume in the hopes that I can make the next ATS choke. After all, the revisions here have just about as much of a chance at getting me an interview as my real one apparently!

See how many references you get! Invite your friends! Bet money!

Please note that per Uni-Kitty, there’s no consistency…

Matthew Randee Sekol
(yes, Randee with 2 e’s) 

Expert Lego Builder | The Doctor’s Companion | Brony

Extensive Lego experience working to design and implement Lego interlocking bricks per the instructions and also through self starting creative methods. Led house-wide efforts to organize and catalog Lego bricks for easy repurposing. Traveled with The Doctor during his regrettable American phase and left him an emotional mess. Expert at running from CyberMen and Daleks. Survived 6 months in a time bubble with an Ood. Can sing all songs from My Little Pony Seasons 1-3. Currently working towards committing Season 4 songs to memory.

Professional Experience

The Galactic Empire – Death Star, A Galaxy far far away     2012 – Present
IT Manager, Superlaser Team
Under my authority, all Rebel Alliance servers and systems were decommissioned immediately. All automated processes and support matrices were written down on parchment and given to Ugnaughts for disposal. I kept the team in a state of Force-induced apathy while opposing infrastructures crumble around them.

  • Leveraged the Soul Infinity Gem to migrate users into a parallel idyllic universe during complex M&A activities. Responsible for anywhere between 25-5000 souls and their return to an earthly existence. The resulting savings was $5 million in salary costs during soul relocation.
  • Saved $7 million by building servers with Lego and convincing upper management that they were performing at optimal throughput. Gave new meaning to the phrase “that server is bricked.”
  • Increased Enterprise level support capabilities at no additional cost by repurposing WOPR subroutines to handle repetitive tasks and perform trending analysis on tickets.
  • Increased the team’s productivity by deploying surveillance cameras that feed into “The Machine.” The Machine sends me the social security numbers of those that are not performing optimally, so that I can intervene.
  • Lowered reliance on the public power grid and reduced costs by $20 million annually by deploying Mr. Fusion devices in data centers to provide power. Also, an additional savings of $4 million were realized through a related recycle program.
  • Provided 99.999% uptime for servers (and staff) by leveraging the multiverse, swapping out Earth 1 resources with others from Earth 2-52. Evaluated Earth 0, but did not recommend that solution due to confusion.
  • Increased ROI on Identity Management solution by integrating systems with GERTY and utilizing a series of mind wiped dopplegangers for the employee base.
  • Protected the company’s data and services by using the Sword of Omens to predict hardware and software failures before they happened.
  • Designed the methodology and document templates for a Business Continuity plan, training peers and familiarizing themselves with the outsourced vendor, The Dharma Initiative, and their off-site hosting facility, The Arrow.
  • Designed the Legal Hold process, storage and annual auditing. Designated email, Windows files, and SharePoint data was stored offsite and out of phase with reality aboard the USS Nimitz.
  • Met the company’s staffing goals in emerging regions and remotely administered the “Voight-Kampff” test to weed out replicants.
  • Enhanced corporate collaboration by entering employees’ dreams and planting ideas towards a common goal.

New-Path – Los Angeles, California     2005 – 2012
Farming Engineer, Sr.
Before being promoted to Manager, I served as team lead and worked on being less paranoid. During this time, I went slightly mad, but quickly recovered with help from Substance D. I ran several projects alone using multiple personalities to complete the work on time and within budget. My responsibilities grew over time, leading me to serve in both a support role and as an architect. At the end of my tenure, I mostly grew corn and blue flowers.

  • Designed and secured an external facing partner portal used by 50+ partners located in the island prison of Manhattan. Only the best and smartest partners survived, leading to a stronger marketplace and several strange sub-cultures.
  • Coordinated the Windows-based SAP ERP move to Allentown using transporter technology, dematerializing the equipment, allowing it to near-instantly rematerialize in the rack. Re-IP’d the servers after the move.
  • Lowered password reset tickets by 40% and saved 60% across IT in account creation and termination time by leveraging cybernetic implants from Cyberdyne, Inc. to authenticate users. Terminations were scheduled and completed via a T-1000 system, which performed 100% within SLA.
  • Achieved a successful and seamless Day One transition across several M&A activities by wiping employees’ memory with a Rekall server and re-implanting memories for new core functions.
  • Saved the team 50 hours per month by having the employees’ consciousness leap into another body and keep working during their lunch hour.
  • Secured all Windows desktop to server transactions with software from Omni Consumer Products, a Gartner leader in security.
  • Led a cross-team effort to update all systems for the Daylight Savings Time changes in 2007 with little end user impact by rotating the earth backwards, changing all the clocks and then rotating the earth forwards again.

Wayne Enterprises – Gotham City, Connecticut     2004 – 2005
Manager, Secret Research Programs
The transition to Wayne Enterprises was my first management role. I was responsible for overseeing IT inventory, budget, projects, and staff. I was sidetracked with research projects that were deemed ‘unscrupulous’ and summarily fired by Mr. Wayne. Shortly after, I stepped outside my comfort zone and trained on word play and riddles.

Momcorp– New New York, Earth    2999 – 3004
Bureaucrat Grade 35
By the time my tenure ended at Momcorp, I had been promoted 3 times from Grade 38 to Grade 35 Bureaucrat. I had a proven record of success at the robot manufacturer, increasing efficiency within .05% operational parameters and stamping all documents 5 times before sending to the master in-pile.

  • Upgraded the building’s cooling systems and saved $2 million annually by using an Ice-Nine replacement.
  • Successfully refocused staff during meetings by singing “Ooh Child” and challenging others to a dance-off.
  • Upgraded decision making corporate wide by installing a yes/no bit, eliminating all complexities and grey-areas.
  • Designed and held technical training for the organization using a black monolith to augment end user intelligence, resulting in lower ticket counts.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry – Scotland     1998 – 1999
NT Installation Auror
Here, I served as a Windows Installation Technician, responsible for updating all computer systems to Windows NT 4. Wizards were able to network without using the fireplace flue.

  • Scored 50 points for Gryffindor.

Adams College    1998
Bachelor of Arts in Life, the Universe and Everything

Certificates and Organizations
Polliwog – Swimming (YMCA)              1986
Activision River Raiders                           1988
Junior Woodchuck                                     1990
Husband (if you can believe it)             2001
Official Comic Book Nerd                       2002
Father (Level I)                                              2006
Father (Level II)                                            2007
Father (Level III)                                           2009
Master Builder                                              2014